I am,
reluctantly learning what auditory deficits can mean in terms of social
interaction and lack of social interaction.
As I sit
writing this, I am bombarded by fan noises from the computer and cooling
pad. The heat pump and air handler are
making their presence known. Gloria is
talking to a friend in FL by phone, and the television is on at low
volume. All of these sounds can be
removed from my environment. There is an
ever-present buzzing whine punctuated by chirps and whistles that can be
removed because it became part of my physiologic construction as my ability to
hear at important frequencies was removed by proximity to loud weaponry.
This is what
I wrote last night, 18 February 2012. I
hope it conveys my concern.
“Tonight we
are at a dance. The music is provided by
an acoustic band but delivered via house PA.
In the space around me there are multiple conversations taking place
with people speaking loudly to overcome the band sounds. There are tired, crying children. There is traffic noise. There are plant noises from air
conditioning. Beneath all this, there is
the high buzzing that is always present.
Finally, people are asking me questions. I can’t hear them clearly enough to
understand the questions. It is horribly frustrating, to the point
where I’d rather not be here at all. I
hate looking like I don’t understand the language. The dance organizer just asked me if I heard
him thank me for working the table. I
didn’t. There’s no way I expect to
overcome the background and tinnitus.
This is really uncomfortable. I’d
like to respond in kind to common courtesies but I don’t get the audio clues I
need to behave in a civilized manner.
“Wednesday
night we dined out in a good restaurant, Bonefish Grill. The physical plant
noises were noticeable and the overhead speakers were spraying some musical
background, the surrounding diners were engaged in conversations, the service
staff were answering questions and taking orders. If the waiter was at all turned away from my
line of sight, it was impossible to understand what he was telling me or asking
me. I’ve gotten to the point where I
take many of my clues from Gloria; which places an unfair burden on her.
“Even
outdoors at our home presents difficulties.
The sound of running water can mask other sound. I hear buzzes and chirps internally
generated. But I don’t hear the buzzes,
chirps cheeps, and other bird, insect and animal noises that are so much a part
of the forest around us. “
There are the
noises that are part of life in an industrialized nation, traffic, car stereos,
screaming kids in grocery stores; I retain my ability to hear those. There’s no selective nature to tinnitus.
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