Saturday, April 5, 2014

5 April 2014 From the banks of the Volga

Cassi Creek:  I noticed this morning that the Japanese knotweed has resumed it’s  annual surge upward and outward.  This is a truly noxious weed, nearly impossible to obliterate.  Over the years I’ve used chemical agents, fire, uprooting, and invective.  Only repeated attacks with a string trimmer seem to have any lasting effect.  Even that is, at best, temporary.  The weed emerges from being pulped within 48 hours or so 
          It is like trying to remove bamboo from property.  I’d like to talk to the idiot that imported this.  Only kudzu is more noxious in this region of the U.S.
          I’ve been following a thread on medical lab humor.  That led to the nature of medical humor in general.  “Black”
          That led to a search for this little gem I’ve known for years and years.  The added graphics really go well with the lyric.  This is not for the faint of heart or easily offended.

The Birthday Dirge

AKA "The Mongolian Birthday Chant" and "The SCA Birthday Song" 
Tune of : "Volga Boatmen"

Death and gloom and black despair
People dying everywhere

                Happy Birthday! (UHH!) Happy Birthday! (UHH!)

Death, destruction, and despair
People dying everywhere.

Now you are the age you are
Your demise cannot be far

Fear and gloom and darkness but
No one found out YOU KNOW WHAT

May the candles on your cake
Burn like cities in your wake

You're a period cook, it's true
Ask the beetles in the stew

Burn the Castle and storm the keep
Kill the Women but SAVE THE SHEEP!

Now your jail-bait days are done
Let's go out and have some fun!

May your deeds with sheep and yaks
Equal those with sword and axe

You must marry very soon
Baby's due the next full moon

Your servants steal, your wife's untrue
Your children plot to murder you

Were I sitting in your shoes
I'd go out and sing the blues

They stole your gold, your sword, your house
They stole your sheep, but not your spouse

Tho' you're turning 29
Age to you is like fine wine

So you're 29 again
Don't tell lies to your good friend

Now you've lived another year
Age to you is like stale beer

So another year has passed
Don't look now they're gaining fast!

So you've aged another year
Now you know that Death is near.

Long ago your hair turned grey
Now it's falling out, they say

Black Death has just struck your town
You yourself feel quite run-down

It's your birthday never fear
You'll be dead this time next year

We brought linen, white as cloud
Now we'll sit and sew your shroud!

See the wrinkles on your face
Like the pattern of fine lace

So far death you have bypassed
Don't look back it's gaining fast

Indigestion's what you get
From the enemies that you 'et

I'm a leper, can't you see
Get your birthday kiss from me.

Burn, then rape by firelight
Add -romance- to life tonight.

Pay attention, you must learn
First you pillage, THEN you burn.

Children dying far and near
They say that cancer's caused by beer.

Children dying everywhere
Women crying in despair.

Typhoid, plague and polio
Coffins lined up in a row.

Long ago your hair turned gray
Now it's falling out, they say.

Birthdays come but once a year
Marking time as Death draws near.

May the children in the street
Be your barbecuing meat.

We, your friends will never tell
That your body has gone to hell.

At your age most folks go blind
You've kept your sight, but lost your mind.

While you eat your birthday stew
We will loot the town for you

We love children, yes we do
Boiled or baked or in a stew.

When you've reached this age you know
That the mind is first to go.

If there be verses we have missed
You can add them to the list.

I pray you pass your verse along
And thus improve our merry song.

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